https://babylonbee.com/news/trump-criticized-for-loudly-denouncing-incoming-administration-and-not-just-spying-on-them-like-a-normal-president
President Trump is taking heavy criticism for loudly denouncing the incoming Biden administration and not just spying on them as other presidents have done in the past. The nation is demanding that Trump remain “presidential” by appearing to say nice things about the incoming president and secretly try to undermine his next four years in office.
https://babylonbee.com/news/lets-all-remain-peaceful-says-trump-in-clear-incitement-to-violence
WASHINGTON, D.C.—A review of Trump’s statements last week made it clear that he was inciting violence, as he very clearly told people to “remain peaceful” and not carry out any violence.
The dangerous cult leader encouraged his followers to protest at the Capitol, but to remain peaceful, which is an obvious instance of inciting violence, according to leading language experts and journalists.
“Let’s all remain peaceful,” he said, which clearly meant, “Go burn down the Capitol Building.”
“No violence!” added the deranged lunatic, which, according to the New York Times, was a dog whistle for “Minions, attack!”
“Go home,” he added, which meant, “Keep pressing the attack! We will not be defeated! Blow stuff up!”
At publishing time, Trump had said, “I’ve always encouraged peaceful protesting,” which meant he wanted his followers to go ransack an Arby’s.
https://babylonbee.com/news/oregon-frees-all-drug-dealers-to-provide-prison-space-for-families-celebrating-thanksgiving
SALEM, OR—To prepare for the influx of Thanksgiving rulebreakers, Oregon Governor Kate Brown has ordered all drug dealers to be freed from prison to make room for all the families who violate COVID restrictions.
“Drugs are legal now anyway,” said Governor Brown. “I hereby pardon all drug offenders currently doing time in Oregon prisons. I can do that right? Whatever — I’m doing it. The real menaces to society are the families who try to gather with their loved ones to share food and give thanks. These violent science-deniers must be stopped!”
According to sources, Oregon State Police have been ordered to go door to door and round up all families trying to celebrate Thanksgiving. Any person or persons not found alone on a couch crying into a clamshell container of take-out food will be arrested on the spot.
Governor Brown has assured the public that this zero-tolerance policy will do something “very important and science-y” to stop the spread of bad sicknesses.
“Losing Thanksgiving isn’t a huge loss anyway,” said Governor Brown. “Thankfulness makes people feel content which can inhibit social progress. We can’t have that! If we’re lucky we’ll find a reason to cancel it next year too!”
Top Stories @ Fox News