RUTHFULLY YOURS

https://babylonbee.com/news/new-m1-abrams-tanks-to-come-equipped-with-changing-tables

LIMA, OH—As part of an ever-progressing military, a new feature has been added to the next line of M1 Abrams tanks: a diaper changing table.

“The horrors of war have often been unfriendly to the busy mom on the go,” said Department of Defense spokesman Clayton Brown. “Our mission is to change things so pregnant women and working moms all feel welcome in our quagmires in the Middle East and have opportunities to blow up the locals with depleted uranium shells.”

In addition to the changing table, each new tank will also be slightly larger in order to fit a private lounge for breastfeeding. So far, women in the military love the new components. “It’s really great as a mom to have these additional features,” said Private Lorraine Hodges, though she said the tank isn’t great for small children since it’s “very noisy” and “constantly under attack.”

The new tanks should be deployed worldwide very soon, as many hotspots aren’t doing very well since backup troops had to be rerouted to rebut Tucker Carlson on Twitter.

https://genesiustimes.com/biden-assures-everyone-well-be-able-to-celebrate-july-4th-by-years-end/

WASHINGTON, DC—President Biden offered some crucial guidance earlier today on how to safely celebrate the upcoming holidays over the course of the next several months, now that millions of Americans have been vaccinated against COVID-19.

“We must continue to be vigilant against this virus,” Biden said. “It’s not over just yet, and I implore my fellow Americans to continue following the advice of Dr. Fauci and the CDC no matter how much it changes. But I can assure everyone that if we continue doing our part, we’ll be able to celebrate July 4th by the end of the year. That’s a promise I intend on keeping to the American people.”

When asked for clarification, Press Secretary Jen Psaki stated to reporters, “Whether July 4th celebrations will go on as usual this year is a hard question for me to answer, so I’ll circle back on this sometime in August.”

https://thegloriousamerican.com/law/drag-queen-story-hour-deems-dr-seuss

As we all know, the last thing the crew over at Drag Queen Story Hour wants is a controversy.  So when everybody learned that Dr. Seuss was a raging racist, they felt obligated to protect the children from such inappropriate material.

“Perhaps when they get a little older they can hear about this content,” Alotta McFilth explained.  “And frankly, this type of thing should be coming from their parents.  We wouldn’t feel comfortable robbing their innocence with these books.”

The news was a devastating blow to the Dr. Seuss brand who quickly added “AND A BLACK ONE!” to the end of One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish.  But the damage was done.  The men and/or women from Drag Queen Story Hour had made their decision.

“Kids don’t want to hear absurd and ridiculous stuff anyway,” Giggles La Bang Bang added.  “What kids want these days is to know how much we hate our fathers.”

Update: Should a drag queen see any Dr. Seuss literature at a library, they have been instructed to aggressively twerk towards the book, a well-known sign of hostility within the community.

https://babylonbee.com/news/compassionate-biden-moves-migrant-children-from-cages-into-humane-high-security-metal-containment-cubes

CARRIZO SPRINGS, TX—Biden has finally ended the cruel and long-standing Trump practice of keeping migrant kids in cages, and has elected to move them into much more compassionate “high-security metal containment cubes.”

“We are proud of our cute little containment cubes,” said Kamala Harris while loudly laughing for some inexplicable reason. “Look at them all neat and tidy, lined up in a row! Hahahahahaha!” 

The new administration has assured the American people that the containment cubes are “completely different” than the evil cages Trump used to use, mainly because they are called “containment cubes” instead of cages.

Social workers on the border confirmed the children will be given up to three meals per day, will be allowed to attend anti-racism classes on Zoom, and provided with free air conditioning–at least when the power is working.

Children will be kept in these highly humane holding units until the cubes can be conveniently loaded onto a truck and shipped back to South America. 

https://twitter.com/thebabylonbee/status/1362054200973213696?s=11

BEIJING—Sources within the Chinese government confirmed today that the spy who was assigned to date Rep. Eric Swalwell and get information from him abruptly returned to China and begged to be sent to a labor camp instead.

“Please — don’t make me go back!” she begged after returning to China in 2015. “I’ll do anything! I’ll break rocks! I’ll build a railroad! I’ll — I’ll even make shoes for Nike! Just don’t make me go back and date that man again!”

“It’s cruel and unusual punishment. Which, I guess, is allowed here, but still. It’s not a good look,” she said.

An international human rights board agreed, putting pressure on the Chinese government to stop forcing spies to date Eric Swalwell and other U.S. congressmen. “We call on the Chinese to resort to traditional methods of punishment like labor camps, torture, and just straight-up executing citizens rather than the cruelty of sending spies to America to date congressmen.”

https://babylonbee.com/news/on-bidens-first-official-call-with-china-he-orders-kung-

Biden made his first official call to Chinese President Xi Jinping yesterday, and ordered a Kung Pao Chicken #5 with fried rice and two egg rolls.

“Listen here, Xi — I ain’t messing around here,” said Biden. “I wanna Kung Pao and General Tso’s. And give me some fried rice with a couple of those deep-fried cabbage-twinkies with the ducktail sauce.”

Biden’s press secretary later confirmed the call with China was a “robust” discussion about foreign trade and human rights, but she did not go into further detail.

Anonymous sources inside the White House say Biden is frustrated after waiting for over 12 hours for his order to show up, promising to “never order from China again.”

“I’ll never let China eat my lunch!” Biden later was heard saying. The U.S. Ambassador to China has announced Biden will be placing high tariffs on fortune cookies until he gets all the food he ordered– or a full refund. 

https://babylonbee.com/news/cnn-praises-mail-in-ballots-for-impeachment-4642-ou

In a historic move, the U.S. Senate decided to switch to voting by mail for Trump’s second impeachment trial. After all the votes were counted by an intern in a back room with no cameras, the Senate ruled to convict President Trump of incitement to violence by a vote of 8275 to 3.

“Our holy democracy has spoken,” said Senator Chuck Schumer. “Do not ask any questions or you are a blasphemer against the sacred sacredness of our vote. Everyone can go home now!”

A couple of troublemaking Senators attempted to overthrow the Constitution by bringing up the point that there are only 100 Senators, making it impossible to arrive at a tally of 8275 to 3, but they were quickly removed from the Senate Chambers and condemned for “attempting to suppress the votes of people of color.”

The Senate then moved on to other business, passing universal healthcare by a margin of 320,000 to 4. 

https://babylonbee.com/news/democrats-announce-it-is-safe-to-reopen-now-that-federal-government-tested-negative-for-republican

U.S.—Democrat leaders around the country are declaring it is now safe to reopen since the federal government’s tests have come back negative for Trump.

“The key indicator we were looking for before we could begin the reopening process was that Trump wasn’t president,” said Governor Gavin Newsom. “While we are at the worst point yet in this pandemic, it now makes sense to open– even though the science said the exact opposite last year when it was comparably mild. Because now, all the tests are indicating we have tested negative for Trump.”

Governor Cuomo agreed, saying that all his key science experts — the ones who haven’t quit yet in disgust — are advising him to go ahead and reopen since the tests are coming back negative for Trump. “When the tests were positive some weeks ago, we were pretty concerned,” Cuomo told a reporter down by the docks as he threw a dead senior into the harbor. “Now, the tests are all looking really good for Democrats, so we’re gonna go ahead and get started.”

Governor Whitmer last year cast a spell on Michigan so it would be always winter and never Christmas, but she says she is canceling the spell now and encouraging Michiganders to celebrate “the true Christmas: Biden getting elected.”

https://babylonbee.com/news/blm-nominated-for-new-nobel-mostly-peaceful-prize/

STOCKHOLM—The Nobel Committee has announced they have nominated Black Lives Matter for the brand new Nobel “Mostly Peaceful” Prize for its hard work bringing attention to racism by burning down cities around the world.

“No one has done more to contribute to the cause of ‘mostly peace’ than Black Lives Matter,” said Norwegian MP Petter Eide. “They brought attention to racism, and they did it while mostly not being criminal terrorists!” MP Eide then demanded the interviewer raise his fist while shouting “Black Lives Matter” before knocking him over with a brick.

Experts are in universal agreement that this BLM is highly deserving of this new Nobel Prize category. 

BLM thanked the committee for the honor and then condemned them for not doing nearly enough. They then marched on Stockholm and burned the city to the ground in a fiery but mostly peaceful demonstration. 

https://babylonbee.com/news/joe-biden-wins-the-nobel-peace-prize-for-his-incredible-first-day-as-president

SWEDEN—According to sources in the media, President Biden had an incredible first day in office. After signing executive orders to end racism, global warming, and Republican domestic terrorism, the Norwegian Nobel Committee agreed that this was possibly the best first day in office of any president in history. To recognize this groundbreaking achievement, Biden will be awarded the Nobel Prize in all 6 categories:

Physics – For miraculously causing the sea levels to lower by signing the Paris Climate Accord
Chemistry – For his incredible chemistry with the American people 
Medicine – For administering life-saving vaccines to millions of people after Trump selfishly hoarded them in his basement 
Literature – For writing some of the most compelling speeches and most beautiful tweets ever written
Peace – For ensuring a peaceful transfer of power with 30,000 National Guard troops
Economic Sciences – For raising the minimum wage– something no one has ever tried before

“This is astounding. It feels so good to finally have a competent president again,” said White House Correspondent Jim Acosta with a tear in his eye.

Biden was scheduled to give an acceptance speech but was rushed to the hospital after swallowing one of the Nobel Prize medals.