HOW ABOUT THE PULLITOFF PRIZE FOR JOURNALISTS? BY ANONYMOUS
Mountain Man News has been accused of occasional bouts of sarcasm, and recently one of our gentlest readers suggested that I engaged in reductio ad absurdum (which I had always thought was the name of Paraguay’s foremost nuclear physicist). The truth is that we have striven (boy that doesn’t sound right) to be a purveyor of truth. Like Fox and CNN, MMN always uses facts when nothing else is available. I must share with you a secret longing. For years I have coveted a particular award. I really, really want a Pullitoff Prize for Journalism.
As most of you know the Pullitoff Prize is the highest award for journalists. Nicholas Kristof and Tom Friedman have so many of these, that when their families get together for a picnic lunch on Yom Kippur, they use them as frisbees. They deserve even more of them. Kristof got one for assuring the Chinese protestors at Tienanmen that they would be safe as long as the NY Times was covering the event. Of course, he didn’t know the difference between the Beijing militia and the Chinese Army. The former consisted of local merchants, and the latter consisted of peasant soldiers. Chinese peasants love students (in order to test their shooting skills). Kristof also told us that China was well on its way toward democracy. Kristof was right on target (though not as much as the Chinese soldiers). I was surprised that he only got one Pullitoff Prize for his acumen.
Friedman is uncanny in his predictions. He guaranteed that Yasser Arafat was honest and trustworthy, which was a blessing for the European bankers who then stored the hundreds of millions of dollars that Arafat stole. As Snopes often points out, Friedman’s love affair with Saudi Arabia is truly heartwarming. Even Friedman’s books are loaded with prescience. In the “World is Flat” he assured us that the combination of fiber optics and Walmart as a model, would bring prosperity to all of us. Later, he would explain that what he meant was that Walmart’s selling of fiber products would bring regularity to the world, and his intended title was “The World is Flatulant.” Friedman’s reporting on the Middle East and his opinion pieces are so uncannily inaccurate that he deserves many, many awards. If nothing else, his “what I really said” articles also merit Edgar awards for mystery fiction.
I have used these two eminent journalists as my model. Their ability to be so wrong so frequently and yet be considered as sages, is nothing short of admirable. What really sets them apart, however, is their ability to act like politicians but talk like scholars. Hard to keep getting it wrong but to assure everyone that they got it right, They do always pull it off, which I guess is why they get that award. But I deserve it as well.
Did I not report on the drone bombing of an Amish town? What about my revelations concerning the Loch Ness Monster and my sports analyses? MMN’s one part expose about politically derived medical maladies has become an underground classic in Port-a-potty Mississippi. Did I not suggest to President Obama that, in view of the unemployment problems, he should hire former Bush appointees like Summers and Petraeus? Hasn’t Petraeus’ surge been a success (well at least with his biographer)? Did I not point out that it was not a good idea to name mortgage institutions “Fanny and Sally Mae” and “Freddy Mac” as these were the names of toothless families living in the West Virginia mountains?. It was like naming a chain of banks “Bubba’s Savings and Loan” or “Politicians’ Trust.”
The list of my accomplishments transcends imagination. (In other words you need extra special imagination to be aware of it). But enough about me, let’s talk about you helping me to get an award. Gentle readers, I implore you to write your congressperson and demand justice. I will await your actions. In the meantime, I’m off to present the Ib’n Khalif award for patriotism and citizenship to Cliven Bundy for his refusal to pay taxes or even recognize the legitimacy of the United States Government. Now there’s an American we can all admire. Next on my list is Donald Trump’s hair stylist who will be getting the Frank Lloyd Wright award for unique structures.
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