• During elections, we will not take part in the political process unless and until ACORN is immediately reinstated, Planned Parenthood refunded, and Keith Olbermann restored to his rightful place on network television, with his show to be co-hosted by Pee-Wee Herman.

  • When casting our ballots, we reserve the right to assist the lame, the halt, the blind, persons from Porlock, stateless exiles, Idi Amin, and our Mexican cleaning ladies, should they need help marking their ballots correctly.

  • All ballots will be tabulated by Democratic officials from King County, Wash., and certified by Mayor Rahm Emanuel of the city of Chicago.

  • Ties always go to the Democrats.

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